Paradox
“Life is just one big paradox!”
April 2023 - “PRE”
I hopped on the scale today - I’m 5 lbs. (minimally “acceptable”) of where I wanted to be. In addition to my bedroom, the other two are strewn with “meaningful” piles of clothes. I’m armed with a small repertoire of Italian words and phrases: the pleasantries, the three of particular usefulness to me - un vino rosso, per favore; un té, per favore, and pane tostato, per favore. Perhaps the most helpful phrase, non capisco, though that’s the “easy” way out. I have what I deem a subpar suitcase yet I had visions of traveling with smart luggage in which contained a practical, yet stylish, capsule wardrobe for 12 days spent on a European adventure. No time for delivery a week out I learn, so the best I can do is on Amazon - whatever can arrive on my doorstep within a few days. I had imagined that my work would be tied up so I can unplug with ease… the house tidy in case… All. of. It.
I’m heading to Italy this week, a long-awaited and anticipated trip. It was one of the cancelled/postponed 2020 vacations, rebooked several months ago. And yet here I am, 11th hour, with the aforementioned circumstances.
As I am at the kitchen sink to fill the kettle for my second cup of tea, I look out the window across the street and glimpse the top of a “bouncy house” vibrating. Three adorable children live there and by the turret’s movement of this plastic castle, seem to be testing it out before a party begins. Joy. At the same time my husband grabs his blazer - not donned often these days except for the occasional “dressed-up” cocktail party, weddings and funerals. Today it’s the latter.
A birth announcement lies on my desk, along with the book I’ll send with a card that reads “Special Delivery - Handle with Care” to welcome the birth of a new human. And then there’s the card on which an ocean is pictured and the text, “My Heart is With You”, one that I’ve selected for a friend that has suddenly gone into hospice.
I text my traveling companion as I return to the arduous task of packing in the tiniest suitcase I've used since, perhaps, one for a 5th-grade sleepover. “Life is just one big paradox! Is it possible to have nothing to wear and EVERYthing to wear?!??” along with a thinking emoji. I realize that this is emblematic of how I’ve been feeling about the bigger picture. How one thing can be true while at the same time a seemingly opposite thing can be true. And yet they co-exist side-by-side.
Sobbing, I write the card to my dying friend and deliver it to her husband. She is currently alert and aware… Then I return to finish packing and head to bed.
April 2023 - “POST”
I have just returned from an incredible Italian adventure! My wardrobe didn’t matter, nor did my lack of a more robust Italian vocabulary. My suitcase is intact and served me well: I felt lighter - literally and figuratively. All was an experience for which I had decided beforehand I would have no expectation. I was going to be in complete acceptance and present for the “IS-ness” and the unfolding: this, something that I have integrated from my meditation practice. It was a trip of a lifetime! I was fully present for the experience: nature, food, culture and the PEOPLE! Bellissimo - all of it.
As we were making our way back home, in the queue to board the plane for the last leg of our journey, my husband shared a text he had just received. It was from the husband of the friend who had gone into hospice. He was spending the night with her - it wouldn’t be long now he was told. At once, I felt the emotion of everything rising up - the beauty of this life-changing travel experience while my friend was passing, her husband experiencing the most profound moments in his 69 years. And then I found acceptance. Acceptance of the simple and perplexing fact that LIFE is at once heartbreaking and heartbreakingly beautiful.
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